- Clearing up the BS

Monday morning and I’m going through my daily sports feeds for the day when I come upon what usually is one of my favorite reads of the day -- a Bill Simmons Sports Guy special. Usually, I laugh as he compares basketball games to classic films, measures greatness with odd-ball calculations of intangibles and all this after at least a bottle of jack and a pint of Guinesss in hand.

But not this morning. This morning, I smell and taste the bitterness oozing through my screen. The bitterness that is obviously fueled by the fact that his pathetic celtics are at home, doing the same exact thing that he’s doing -- watching the Lakers and Magic play for the NBA Championship. I’m sure the fact that the Lakers winning their 15th trophy and getting within two of the Celtics record of 17 gnaws at him. I’m sure the fact that Red Auerbach’s record of 9 Championship being broken by a Lakers coach is gnawing at him. I’m sure being a clippers season ticket and watching them foul it up like they always do is gnawing at him.

This bitterness is the reason I would like to finally speak back. To finally say -- “Hey Simmons . . . F U!” He’ll probably never read this article and play the “I’m too good to read this because I write for ESPN” card.

“What could any amateur writer put together that I couldn’t squash in a nanosecond of drunken creativity?”

Well, let’s see what I can put together. I’ll give the other side of the whiskey goggles breakdown of the classic 4th quarter that Bill seems to never acknowledge

12:00 -- We learn from Phil Jackson that 1) the Magic have decided to pick up the tempo and take out their guards in order to make it easier to get the ball into Dwight over the Lakers Tall frontline 2) the Magic guards suck and that is attributed to the Lakers picking their intensity this Finals series. 3) He rather talk to Craig Sager and his clown suits than stare at Doris Burke’s oddly inquisitive face.

11:41 -- Rashard Lewis is going off after Dwight finally realizes that he can pass out of double teams to give his teammates open shots! Fouls are inconsistent as ever as Andrew Bynum gets called for ticky tack fouls while Hedo Turkey-Glue is doing his best Walter Payton impression with his stiff-arms to Ariza’s chest any time pressure is applied near half court.

11:30 -- Lamar Odom is playing out of his mind this game and pushing the ball up court on every defensive rebound! His attempt at an alley-oop with Drew was to help pump up the rather quiet Staples Center crowd and to also reward Drew for beating Dwight getting down the court! Always gotta reward your big men -- it’s the golden rule of basketball! And if you want to talk about stammering, why don’t we talk about how the Celtics mortgaged their future on 3 aging superstars who are breaking down faster the the Big 3 Automakers! You give me 2 pieces of paper and I’ll write the credentials of Drew (7ft 1″ 280lb Center with Great Hands and Footwork) vs. the credentials of Kendrick Perkins (6′ 10″ 290lb Undersized Center with no offensive skills and a bad disposition) and you’ll have the whole northeastern sea border clammering, then stammering for Drew like a lifeboat on Titanic.

9:49 -- Candy Man is doing his thing by scoring 6 straight by grabbing boards and getting help from all his teammates to box-out Dwight and by pushing the ball up, pressuring the non-guards the Magic have protecting fast breaks!

9:23 -- Kobe gets fouled by Mickael Pietrus (has anyone told this guy that it’s an “h” not a “k”) which gets Kobe pumped up. The Kobe snarl is in full effect and the world knows that this is the beginning of another Lakers championship run!

9:23 -- As Kobe is making his free throws (which if you haven’t noticed, is making at an incredible percentage since being called out by Jerry West), Bill Simmons calls his dad and all Mr. Simmons can say is “we’re f*cked!”

8:59 -- Lakers are up by 3 and Kobe jukes his defender to get to the free throw line where he draws in two defenders with Andrew rolling to the rim! He sees that the whole defense is collapsing on him and knows that he has an outlet in the corner in Shannon Brown. Only that Shannon’s playing on pure instinct since being acquired from Charlotte less than 5 months ago and leaves his spot to go in for an offensive rebound! Jeff Van Gundy goes into the TV timeout with his usual one-liner and fails miserably at analyzing the situation.

(Bill Simmons Dad: We’re F*cked! we’re f*cked! we’re f*cked! we’re f*cked!)

8:59 -- I agree with Bill Here -- No one gives a crap about the “Drama in the Bahamas” for this Superstars Challenge on ABC.

8:48 -- Drew picks up his 5th foul by fighting through a screen and a referee crew that you know was told to give marketing prospect, Dwight Howard, a chance to shine in the finals. By the way, is there anything more annoying that those Vitamin Water commercials where Dwight is arguing with Dwight doing bad impressions? How pathetic is it that he’s riding the marketing coat tails of Lebron and Kobe to get as much national attention as he can get. And to Simmons, I guarantee you this -- you will never EVER see your celtics in the finals again. You’ve seen the last celtics championship you’ll ever see in your lifetime. KG’s knees are GONE, Pierce is content with his one ring and Ray Allen’s reaching retirement age. Your bench is gone, your future is Rondo and who? Doc’s going to bounce for the broadcast booth, so he’ll never get blamed for anything and pasty faced females you call dancers will be dancing on Red’s name for the rest of your life!

8:11 -- JJ Reddick is playing because no other Magic guard can make a damn shot! When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose!

6:47 -- Hedo is still giving his stiff-arms, elbows, shoulder lowering into Ariza since Van Gundy doesn’t have the balls to admit that he F-’d up and shouldn’t have brought Jameer Nelson back, which basically flushed the Magic’s chemistry the developed in Game 6 of the Celtics series down the drain!

6:28 -- Every Pick Pau Gasol and Dwight Howard is sponsored by Mayflower Movers -- a company owned and operated by Kevin Garnett, Kendrick Perkins and the rest of the Celtic Frontline.

6:13 -- Lewis this year, Ray Ray last year and then watching Kevin Durant make a PR-friendly MVP run a la Dwayne Wade will pretty much keep Seattle as the city with the highest suicide rate in the nation!

4:31 -- Don’t forget to add Andrew’s 4th and 5th foul on the SDFCT Scoreboard which would make it Orlando 1, L.A. 2.

4:13 -- Pau clearly corrals Dwight into position for a clear block, but the move is so ugly, the refs blow the refs out of pity. Is the NBA really putting effort towards marketing this guy? A Man who’s a knee injury away from being the next Antoine Carr and the guaranteed nickname of “Big Dog” that designates any player of his size who can’t do anything but commit hard fouls. SDFCT Scoreboard: Orlando 1, L.A. 3.

3:34 -- The biggest chicken is Simmons for trying to make it seem that Kobe didn’t get fouled by Pietrus. The replay clearly shows that the whistle was blown after Kobe hung in the air long enough for Mickael (Michael for the literate) to come back down and tap Kobe on the right elbow. You can say that there’s no way Kobe is going to make that shot being 2 feet off the ground and parallel to the floor, with a rising Dwight Howard getting ready to spike it into Justin Timberlake’s face, but I guess we’ll never know since Mickael FOULED him on his attempt.

3:16 -- Usually when someone is stiff-arming you or jamming an elbow in your ribs, you usually try and use your hand to get them to stop. Foul goes to the one that instigates, therefore foul goes to Hedo! Trevor’s just been setting him up all game! Great tough defense!

2:40 -- Hedo uses that Jim Brown shoulder again on Kobe and sends him to the floor hard on his hip. Kobe gets up and hobbles around a bit. Nothing’s going to take him out of this game!

1:53 -- Kobe misses a runner, Lewis grabs the rebound and Lamar Odom gets shoved so hard that he bumps into Lewis! The refs are letting them play and keeping the best players on the court.

1:10 -- Staples Center starts to get crazy and the the hearts and stomachs of Laker fans everywhere are going into overdrive!

0:47 -- Lakers decide to concede the step-back J by Hedo which I can’t believe they don’t stop. When’s the last time Hedo even drove it to the hole in this series? Right foot clearly on the line.

0:33 -- Lakers get a lucky bounce as Fisher’s pass deflects off Dwight causing him to chase after it and leaving Pau a easy lay-up half a foot from the hole! As the great John Wooden said -- “Luck is when opportunity meets preparation!”

0:09 -- Magic choke up like a lonely nerd on friday night and give the ball to their rookie Courtney Lee. This is a clear indication that the coach has lost all his marbles and has no clue on what to do. I site the 1998 playoffs when Del Harris gave the ball to a 17 year old rookie by the name of Kobe Bryant who proceeded to throw up airball after airball. We all know what happened to Del after -- okay, if you don’t -- he became an assistant coach extraordinaire for the Mavs and Bulls and has recently retired at the ripe old age of 71.

0:01 -- Kobe breaks down Hedo and gets by him and sees what seems to be the entire city of Orlando collapsing on him, yet he still takes the shot and has it blocked by a recovering Hedo Turkey-Glue. 1) It was a great recovery by Hedo 2) I don’t care what anyone says about passing the ball off in that situation. We’ve seen it time and time again where the game is on the line and Kobe has pulled through more than enough times to be considered the best closer in the game today! If you want to be great, you have to take those shots. It’s what made Jordan the legend he is today. Not the scoring, not the dunk-titles, not even the 6 rings. It was those shots that killed Cleveland and Utah, TWICE! I don’t care what any stats site says about Kobe’s shooting percentage in those situations . . . if Aliens came down to earth and said “we’re going to blow up your planet unless you can make this one basket with less than 3 seconds on the clock,” who are you going to call on to save the world?

KG? Hell No!

Dwayne? you’ll never get him off the set of his next commercial”

Lebron? Maybe, but he’ll leave with the Aliens if misses.

That’s right! You would call on Kobe Bean Bryant because you know that when it comes down to it, he truly has ice in his veins and believes more than anyone that he can make the shot!

0:00:6 -- Great Play drawn up by Ron Jeremy, but it should have never come down to this because of the non-call on Dwight’s goal tend in the first quarter! How much more obvious does a hand going through the rim have to be with the net draped all over it to point it out?

We go to Over Time and every Laker Fan knew with absolution in their heart that we won this game. You can see it on the face of the Magic players. They did everything they could do and the Basketball Gods from above said “No son! It just ain’t your time!”

The last 5 minutes of game saw the Magic bumbling the ball around and the Lakers just slowly stepping on the throats. Early Foul troubles come back to haunt Orlando who have to rely on JJ Reddick to brick 3pters to keep the Magic close in OT. You know as well as I do, it ain’t gonna happen.

Fisher drives, Pau’s And-Ones, Magic’s incompetent coaching and Candy Man’s clutch free throws lead to a 101-96 win and pretty much clinching this series and the Lakers 15th Championship Trophy.

My final take: If you’re a non-lakers fan, you’re going to come up with conspiracy after conspiracy of why the Magic should have won. Missed calls, the SFTSDFCT scoreboard system, the missed shot by Lee. Instead of thinking of what could have been and instead look at what is -- beautiful basketball being played, Kobe Bryant evolving into NBA Jedi status and the Lakers taking their rightful place as the greatest sports franchise in modern sports history.

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